Research on the way classroom interaction affects teaching. I am generally doing research about the idea. It's common knowledge. How am I supposed to get to thirty five pages?

Blog's Purpose, Two Articles About Literacy, And An Introspective Rant

I am good at understanding people and enjoy crafting sentences. To engage an online community in discourse about behavior, education, and academic subject matter, I've started this blog. I hope it will become less a narcissistic venture into my introspective self as it is an advice column. That being said, much of what this blog contains is analyses of human interactions. I may also address internalized experiences that relate to education and subject matter. If I have the notion to complain, I will eventually have the notion and dedication to remove the complaint.  Tangents may include parsing the french language, discussion about a latest recipe, and wonder about my household dynamics. Note to self: censor interactions so I don't get fired!

Reading and Behavior: the Role of One's Interest and Ability

People learn in reading when the content of the piece offers new ideas about something the reader is interested in. In college, I signed up for a philosophy class called, "Knowledge and Reality." The structure and form of the epistomological arguments were different from the stuff I read as part of my English analytical training. And, I sadly did not know of a Cliff Notes equivalent for Bertrand Russell's arguments and George Berkeley's arguments. I became more despondent as the I struggled to learn how the philosophers generated epistemological ideas that depended upon the ideas of another argument; my reading behavior was being negatively reinforced by bad grades and an inability to understand what the articles meant! When I finished the quarter, reading seemed like an unenjoyable task.

Reading is not a task, and it should be somewhat engaging. But, if a person's reading is negatively reinforced, then the person is being stymied. In consistently reading only books, articles, etc, about subjects that disinterest the reader, the reader is risking the quality of her literacy.

 Though the experience of reading can seem as though one is hardly working, the illusion is the result of switching one's behavior to read. In reading, one has mentally chosen to focus on one thing rather than several things. It's a break; but it's also a challenge one has set oneself to succeeding in.

If one stops the habit of reading, then one loses time practicing. Then, when one decides to read again, one has to resume reading at a less challenging level one was previously at. Reading and writing are activities that a person must practice regularly.

To reduce how far one's literacy regresses, one has to do more reading than one ever wanted to do. Doing so will build a habit and will help you increase your ability to get started and stop quickly. Every one has to take a break at one point or another.

Reading a Good Novel: I know grad school is all books, but is Vicarious Reading Sometimes Living?

The Exposition

I am clinging to the possibility that I can get to the book; the book seems to be my salvation. My mind furthermore hoards other covers and titles, as though they were the few pieces of gold in the nation and I needed a gold crown for a broken tooth. My mind feels fractured by a desire to have the pages waving, so they may righteously tantalize me for my lack of progress.

The Developing Conflict

Characters race through my head as if I were the one who would award one first place. The award would go to the one that most cleverly and accurately unveils my feelings and fears. The one who in-so-doing, forgives my fuming over the slow pace of the book with a knowing patience. As if it were not me who has the wisdom to value the suspense, but another who is living the story I am reading. Another who must find something intrinsically invaluable to at least one of the characters. I am putting them in a hierarchy of personal importance. Gold. Silver.

More Action

The tale moves about in my mind, and I find that day to day conversations about this and that seem aimless and circular in light of the insights I’ve gained by reading the story. And, it's my story. If the story is good, then I will remind myself that a tale lends more meaning and significance than words that appease the ear through idle romanticism or straight up propaganda. How easy every day is on the mind. How hard it is to forget that most must-dos are easy. How hard it is to persevere in one thing just for the sake of doing the right thing, even if it feels scary to set aside the comfortable routine of doing everything easily and often.

The Approaching Resolution

The ending is near, and I have figured out how the story will evolve. Suddenly, I have new words to share with close ones, if I can weave my insights into the conversation. I have a better light in my eyes via pride and mental engagement. What a delightful education reading a good novel can be! If only all of life’s suspense could be vicariously lived.  At least the suspense of waiting to resume reading was lived. Time for another book to think about.

Today May 30, 2013

I was wondering why my friend complains about test anxiety and labors the facts of work. Well, I guess I like to pick on A because she is a genuine person who has been there for me. In difficult times, I don't see such valiance from other comrades. 

But I am pointing out the complaint because I think that people who are so forced to believe in an ideal become fixated on it. Is that not the way most teachers work? The good ones, anyway.

I am glad to have had an opportunity to discuss my thoughts. In the technical writing course, my professor yacked about invaluable information, but I was desperate to speak my mind. He had a way of helping me feel incompetent; after I started doing the work correctly, I wasn't so much an outcast. But I am weary of the isolation and hurt that resulted from feeling so different. 

I would participate in class, and my behavior was less mature than the others' dispositions. I wish that I didn't feel embarrassed by how narrow-minded my thinking appears to others. For whatever reason, I become stressed and upset by not having control over other people's judgement  I wouldn't mind it if I had someone to teach or a person to help because I would be trying to improve my circumstances. Just sitting there, however, helped my major attitude. 

I guess that I'm just angry. I don't know whether to become a cranky bitch or to find solace in a former mentality. No matter what I do, I feel trapped in a narcissistic sense of why things work and how I can change the world. And, I wish that I could explain this horrible feeling as easily as I can talk with students and friends. Maybe it's because I've been around boys for too long. lol. I'm fed up with guys...understanding guys and how they think. Yes, understanding a male's psychology helps me communicate with men who are eligible, but I would enjoy talking with someone who not only understands my perspectives but also empathizes with them...I have found this search tedious because my own behavior alienates people. Someone please tell me why I have to be perfect! Or, why I cannot depend upon compassion alone to help me succeed. Compassion is not the quality of a leader, however. What is the quality of a leader? Could it be pride? Am I becoming a leader? Is that why my disposition is changing and why I feel alone? I feel like my power is arbitrarily given, and I am continually use it to empower the downtrodden. My work is not glorious to witness; there are no art pieces being dedicated or aqueducts being constructed...here I am, proud of my work, yet making impacts that are qualitative. But my power rests in quantifiable results; when can I be council to students, alone? When can I shake off these students who are just too lost? I cannot help those people, and yet I can. But, no one wants to see those people. It makes me so angry...and my passion seems to cause me double the work. I have to be "rational" rather than compassionate; people will take and take.  

Anymore work in an unbalanced system, and I'll go crazy.   If I keep giving, I'm afraid I'll break. 

I'm learning that keeping your mouth shut is a privilege, not an escape.